Dear Trauma,
You have given me some valuable lessons. I knew from the moment I made the life transition to say goodbye to my wreckless partying at 19 years old that it was going to be a long but worthwhile road to recovery. Little did I know it would be lifelong healing. The wisdom I have embraced from you resides in my being. Resilience and emotional intelligence are my practices to navigate this world of breakthroughs.
Some big realisations have come up for me. Coming up to the anniversary of my father's death, I am ready to bring his beautiful essence alive. For twenty-three years, I feel like there has been a blockage of being stuck on the traumatic incident. My wise self knew this when I saw a psychologist when I was 21 years old, and I said to her with bravery, "I am ready to feel the grief from my father's death". She replied, "You have managed the best you can. You need to see a psychiatrist". Psychiatrists diagnose you based on your symptoms and prescribe medication if needed. From then on, I was treated for obsessive-compulsive disorder rather than given the space to feel the emotions of losing one of the most beautiful humans in my life. Fast forward 23 years later, my psychologist is helping me reignite the feelings that I have towards my father rather than be blocked by the nightmare that was in the year 2000. Trauma lives in your body, mind and spirit. Until we face it, we experience the suffocating effects. I have realised that when I encounter certain emotions that are similar to the feelings I felt when my father died, I would control them unconsciously. Then, it would be like an overflowing bucket of water, eventually losing my ability to cope.
Life is precious, and my time here on earth is to heal, not cure myself, but heal. My father's essence is in me and my family. His essence was kind, loving, funny, and he loved his food, naps, and Collingwood. I cherish his connection with nature, his love of animals, and how he talked to the animals. He was a hard worker, but I remember Dad enjoying his cuppa with his friends and loving his naps and fishing. I remember the simple things that filled my cup, especially the cheeky peppermint patties and fruit boxes after school. His love and care for his mother are memorable, and he was a devoted husband to Mum and father to his three girls.
From this moment onwards, I vow to look before the trauma to the magical human my Dad was. Trauma has affected me and my family and caused us dysfunction and illness. I am so grateful that I have come to this realisation, and my perception has shifted. My father's accident was not the cause of our suffering. It was the ability to LOVE someone so much that we couldn't imagine being without him. I am grateful for my father's love we experienced as a family.
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